


wish i were heather

by cadylee



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Garcia isn't really a huge part, Hurt Spencer Reid, I Made Myself Cry, Inspired by Heather by Conan Gray, Pining, Rejection, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, idk when this is set
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:27:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25642774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadylee/pseuds/cadylee
Summary: spencer reid is in love with derek morgan. derek morgan is straight and very not into spencer. he doesn't take it too well.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 10
Kudos: 68





	wish i were heather

The only people who knew were Spencer himself and Penelope Garcia. 

He had come flying into her office crying one day after one of Morgan’s particularly explicit recounts of his sexual encounter from the previous night. He had told her exactly how he felt about Morgan, about how he had been in love with him practically his entire time at the BAU. Garcia had allowed him to cry and vent, doing her best to listen and comprehend each of Spencer’s broken words in between sobs.

Even though he knew Morgan’s kind actions were driven by brotherly love, he wanted to believe Morgan felt the same way. He wanted to hear Morgan confess that he loved Reid before pulling him into his arms and holding him close. He wanted Morgan to give him his sweater when he was cold. He wanted Morgan to stop seeing him as just another member of the BAU. Deep down, he knew it was never going to happen. But he was going to try.

It was late November, and the heat at the office wasn’t working very well for some reason, which Spencer wasn’t prepared for. Sitting cross-legged in his office chair doing work, he was shivering. Derek was able to see that, so he literally threw a sweatshirt he had toward Reid, who didn’t catch it, meaning the apparel had fell on Spencer’s head. He could smell Morgan’s lingering cologne, meaning this had likely been worn recently. He mumbled a thank you before slipping it on, it being way too big for him. He wore it happily, hands playing with the strings frequently as he read case files.

At some point in the day, Reid had to use the restroom. He walked into the men’s room, hearing Morgan talking in a stall, the pauses in between his words meaning he was on the phone. He caught the name of a bar.

"Okay, I'll meet you there at ten. Bye, baby," he said before the sound of his phone flipping shut filled the air, Spencer quickly leaving the men's room without even doing what he went in there to do. He sat back down in his office chair, feeling tears fill his eyes and spill over onto his cheeks as he thought about the fact the man he loved was just planning a date. He ignored everyone else for the rest of the work day, he was too busy thinking about whether or not he should go to the same bar, just to see if he misread the situation.

Once his work was done and he could leave, he went home and pulled out an outfit fitting for a bar scene. He opted for some black jeans and a black button down shirt he tucked in, leaving the top few buttons open. It wasn't his usual attire, but that way someone would probably buy him a drink, making his appearance at the bar pretty inconspicuous. He basically just read up until he left for the bar.

Upon arrival, he scanned the room for Morgan and his date. He eventually found them in a corner, and Morgan was all over her. Reid was very able to read lips, so it didn't take much effort to see that the words on his lips were 'God, I think I love you.'

And then Spencer Reid's world crashed. He got ready to turn around and leave when, somehow, he came to make eye contact with Derek, who gave him a little look of encouragement, as he assumed Reid was there for a date of his own, which really just took Spencer's heart and stepped on it. Spencer simply turned around and left. Right outside the building, he dialed Garcia's number, hoping she would pick up. And she did.

"Why are you calling this late? Everything okay?"  
"Penelope, can you be at my apartment? Like soon?"   
"Yes, anything for you kiddo."  
"Thanks." Reid hung up and got a cab home.

Upon arrival to his apartment, he changed into sweatpants and a hoodie. In fact, it was the one Derek threw at him. He cried on the couch, engulfed by the smell of Derek Morgan. He stayed like that until someone knocked at the door, opening it to see Garcia. He immediately hugged her, which was highly unusual for the genius.

"Is everything okay?"  
"Just come sit down."

The two settled on the couch before Spencer launched into an explanation of everything that had happened that day. He ended up crying in Penelope's arms.

"His lips were on hers and I wanted it to be me so badly. But why would he ever kiss me anyways? I'm not even half as pretty as some of those girls he's with. I really thought there was something there. He gave me his sweater today. I didn't want to believe he was just being nice," Spencer spilled out, heartbroken.

"Shhh, Spencer. You and him just weren't meant to be. It's okay. It'll be okay." Garcia stayed with him until about midnight, when she left to get some sleep for the following day of work. Reid didn't sleep yet. He went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, hardly recognizing himself due to the effects of how hard he had been crying. His face was redder than ever, eyes puffy and red. He didn't feel like he had control of himself as he tore apart cabinets and drawers until he found what he was apparently looking for. A bottle of Dilaudid from after the incident. Against all better judgement, he opened it. He felt the slight pain of the needle hitting and entering his arm, and then he felt nothing until he eventually fell asleep. 

He was late to work the next morning, and when he did show up he was quite a mess. He refused to push his sleeves up for any reason, and he was wracked with guilt from what he had did the night before. He had just wanted to stop feeling. He wanted to ignore his feelings for Derek Morgan for one night. He had got what he wanted, but at what cost? 

He was definitely on edge that day, snapping at people who were being calm and polite. It went on like that until Derek cornered him in the restroom, concerned and frustrated.

"What is your problem, Reid?" He asked.  
"Nothing," he mumbled, which wasn't good enough.  
"Bullshit. What are you hiding?"  
"Why do you even care? You like her better. I don't mean anything to you. I've been so obviously in love with you for years and you keep breaking my heart. Do me a favor, Derek. Stop pretending you care about me. I can't stand the pity. I'm not good enough for you and I never will be," Spencer spat before crying and sinking to the restroom floor, leaving Morgan confused.

"Kiddo," he said softly, not sure how to process the information. Reid's behavior today had to have been more than some indirect rejection. It didn't take a profiler to see that. Suddenly it clicked.

"You shot up last night."

Spencer looked up, wiping his eyes. "What?"

"You went home and relapsed on Dilaudid again. Why? You've been clean for over a year, what happened?" Derek asked, Reid staying silent. The room was silent for about thirty seconds.

"Oh..." Morgan said softly, the rest of it clicking. He shot up because he couldn't deal with the pain Morgan was putting him through. "Spencer..." He started, sitting next to the crying man.

"I really care about you. Just... not in the way you care about me. I don't like men. I really care for Heather - my girlfriend - right now. I didn't know any of this was going on. I didn't even know you were gay, or bi. It's just not a future we have, Reid. We're coworkers and friends. Nothing more."

Morgan's words were hurting him even more. Spencer raised his head again, looking at Morgan. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Anything, pretty boy," Morgan said softly, not expecting Spencer's request to sound so harsh.

Tears rolled down Spencer's cheeks as he spoke once more.

"Go away, Derek."

**Author's Note:**

> i love conan gray so- 
> 
> comments for feedback are loved and appreciated!!!!!!!!!


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